Have you ever been in love? Have you ever felt that ache in your heart... the butterflies in your stomach... the emptiness that missing that special person brings?
I don't know if this is love. I have no idea what love really is or how it truly feels. I've never even had a serious relationship in my entire life. Not even a fling. I know. Sad. But enough with the pity party.
Let's face it. We all need love. Relationships are blessings and I have been so blessed to have loving friends and family around me. And yet... there's that missing someone. You know, that someone to annoy, that someone to wake up with at night, that someone to shower with hugs and kisses, that someone who's worth all the drama.
But hey, I won't get ahead of myself. I am a relationship neophyte. I've never been madly in love with anyone before. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Hide me! I've been trying hard my whole life not to get involved because I feared rejection and abandonment. This is the first time I've ever confronted this fear and it still scares me to death.
I thought back in college that I avoided relationships because I was scared of getting pregnant before I could graduate or acquiring some illness or some other excuse. But that's a big fat lie and I'm not ashamed to admit it now.
The truth is I run away from love. Call it foolish pride, call it irrational fear, call it being emotional... I really don't care anymore. I just want to be free of this emptiness that I feel inside because being without love is a terrible feeling and I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.
Not knowing how to love is just one side of the coin. Being unsure about who to love is worse. It's a bit like jumping from one guy to another without really getting involved. No relationships, no hello's, no goodbyes. Last night a friend of mine broke up with her bf. And that got me thinking. She's so much braver than me. She gave it a shot. Even though they both missed that time, at least they tried.
And so as I head off to dreamland, I ask myself. Where is my prince? When will my broken heart heal? Will I ever fall in love again? How long will this ache last? I pray that I too will find someone to give my heart to. I'm so tired of missing you. :(
